My Testimony

Hi I’m Catherine. I’m a Christian who, a little like the Prodigal Son, got into a mess! The belief systems I developed and choices I made took me on a painful journey of feeling worthless and anxious, leading to anorexia and bulimia. Thankfully, I came out on the other side much stronger as I learned how to build my life more firmly on Jesus and His directions for living life well.

I grew up in a secure family home in the Ribble Valley, Lancashire. In fact, the first ten years of my life were simply wonderful…. fresh country air, playing football in the garden, building dens and obstacle courses, attending a local village school and church. Having my grandparents living just up the road meant I saw lots of them too and loved them dearly. Possibly the only thing I remember hating was being dressed identically to my younger sister for the occasional family party – the worst outfit being a lilac crocheted dress made by a great aunt! Other than the purple frock, early life was idyllic, so what went wrong?

Moving to secondary school, albeit it at the same time as my twin brother, is perhaps the first stage of life when I remember feeling anxious. I had coped well with primary school work, but in this large secondary school there were so many people who were more intelligent and more confident than I was. In order to maintain discipline, strict teachers would shout at the whole class or the whole bus-load of children for someone’s misbehaviour leaving me feeling like they thought I was at fault when I wouldn’t have dared to be naughty! The size of secondary school meant not everyone knew each other. I wasn’t in the same class as my friends from primary school. Everything was new and I needed to find a way to fit in with the teachers, the work, the pupils, the breaktimes, the bus journeys.

My choice of coping mechanism was to hide. If I merged into the background, I wouldn’t get picked on. Working hard and being a good girl kept me on the right side of teachers. Not drawing attention to myself meant I wouldn’t get bullied and wouldn’t get invited to things where I’d feel out of my depth. Don’t get me wrong, I had some lovely friends, but I definitely hid from people I felt less safe with.

I’m not sure whether hormones affect academic ability, but something seemed to go wrong for me in adolescence. I’d coped so well at school and had found some self-worth in getting good grades in tests, but suddenly, as I hit my teenage years, everyone seemed to catch up and overtake me. This added to my anxiety levels at school.

I wanted to fit in with friends but compared myself unfavourably with them. I felt they were prettier, funnier, more confident, and didn’t go red and blotchy in the sun like I did! 

By the time I went to college at 18 to train to be a primary school teacher, I had developed some unhealthy belief systems. I felt I wasn’t good enough. Hiding away from people may have avoided some ‘tellings off’ and unwanted attention, but it had left me feeling insignificant. To be honest, I just felt that I wasn’t good enough for anyone or at anything. I was beginning to hate myself and the way I looked. Though I hadn’t developed any food issues at this point, I certainly had some body image issues that went beyond wishing the sun would turn me brown rather than red and spotty! I didn’t match up to the women I saw on ‘Top of The Pops’ or ‘Miss World’ – and I wanted to look ‘right’. Food issues were waiting for me just around the corner. 

While away at college, my lovely Grandad died. He was the first close relative to die and it rocked me. My family was the biggest part of my sense of security. I missed Grandad but it affected me more than that; I guess I realised that where I was putting my security wasn’t really that secure after all.  

By the end of my first year at college, I had put on quite a bit of weight and on returning home for the summer a number of people commented on the weight gain. Though I’m sure the comments were not intended to be hurtful, I certainly took the comments as negative given my unhelpful belief that women should look like the skinny women on TV. In response, I embarked on a diet – and I did well! I found something I was good at and with it came plenty of positive comments which spurred me on because I craved people’s good opinion of me. In fact, people’s opinions mattered too much. I wanted their approval; the fear of disapproval – should I put weight back on – ultimately drove me to anorexia.

Every time I weighed myself, I had to be less than I was the last time I weighed myself. At every meal, I had to eat less than the others eating with me to feel ‘safe’. Each morning I woke planning how to avoid calories that day. I was obsessed but I felt that I had found something I could control – my food intake and body weight. However, this obsession was controlling me. Despite being cold and thin, my periods having stopped, and still feeling insignificant and not good enough, I plodded on in my quest for thinness. 

I think there were at least three key things that led to my eating disorder:

• Firstly, I compared myself with other people in my search to feel worthy. I came to believe I was useless and rubbish, and that no-one would truly love me because I compared myself unfavourably to everyone around me. I had developed a very negative view of myself. I didn’t like me at all.

• Secondly, I had built my sense of security on people. I tried so hard to make people like me – friends, teachers, peers. I craved their acceptance of me. People had much power over me – I was ‘up’ or ‘down’ depending on how approved of I felt. My grandfather’s death showed me that even if people were to wholly accept me, they can’t be there for me forever. 

• Thirdly, I held a wrong belief that women should look a certain way. This meant I had an ‘ideal’ standard in my head and believed that to fit in and be liked I needed to be thin.

I was a functioning anorexic for around two years. I didn’t completely starve but under-ate and would only eat low-calorie food. I never felt satisfied but was in denial that my eating habit was not fulfilling me physically nor emotionally. The pressure I put on myself at this time built and built. Just like there’s a tip of an iceberg, my unhealthy relationship with food was the visible part. However, there was so much more under the surface – including depression, anxiety, self-hatred, wrong belief systems, cravings for love and purpose. Eventually the pressure had to burst out in some way and it did so in my first food binge. 

That first binge led to bingeing most days for a further five years. My attempts to purge the binges weren’t the classic ‘make yourself sick’ purging (I couldn’t even do bulimia properly!!) I over-exercised, took laxatives, tried fasting. All this to little avail and I piled on weight. The shame I felt was overwhelming. I had even more reason to hate myself now – for my fattening body and inability to live up to my own standards. There were times I felt suicidal. I think I was using binges to escape from the pressures and anxieties of life. Those short-lived distractions were my safe place and yet each binge made me feel even worse about myself.

Throughout this time, I would certainly have called myself a Christian. I believed in God and that He sent His Son, Jesus Christ, to die for people so they could be forgiven and live with Him forever. Though I believed this for people in general terms, I really struggled to believe He would have done this specifically for me, for Catherine. I had felt insignificant to people, how could the God who created the whole world even know me?

Eventually, through many sermons and songs at my church in Bolton during my teaching years, the penny dropped that I do matter to God. He does know me and He does love me. This was the biggest step forward in my recovery. I didn’t have to earn God’s acceptance of me like I did for so many people. I couldn’t make myself good enough, but Jesus has made me good enough. Jesus has won God’s acceptance of me on the cross. What a relief! And with this assurance of God’s perfect love for me, my fear of people weakened, and my trust in God’s directions for living well strengthened. That was like the moment the Prodigal Son realised his way of doing life wasn’t working and decided to return to his father. I’d been trying to find the route to happiness in my own ways but each route – through people, achievement, being thin – was a dead end in a maze only Jesus could lead me out of. 

Grasping God’s love for me, made it easier to believe what He said about me. However, I was still in the habit of responding to life’s hurts and pressures by bingeing. Something had to change! With God’s help, I had to replace both the wrong behaviour and the wrong thinking that led to it.

I had to resist the temptation to binge when I could. The times I gave in I had to choose not to make up for the binge by fasting as this would keep me stuck in the cycle of thinking about food instead of Jesus. My wrong choices were forgiven at the cross. I don’t have to strive to be perfect – Jesus bridges the gap between my perfect God and imperfect me. I could leave the binge in yesterday and start today afresh.

I had to choose to believe His words rather than my feelings. I challenged my wrong belief systems one at a time. As I have learned to trust the Bible, those belief systems that led me into eating disorders have been turned on their head and my default belief now is that I am completely known, loved and accepted, that God has gifted me, and He has a plan for me. 

• Instead of comparing myself unfavourably to others, I accept myself for who God made me. I believe He has given me gifts to enable me to serve Him and others. I have a purpose and know I am loved. I actually like the person I am today.

• My sense of security that was once built on fallible and frail people is instead built on God and his word, the Bible. 

• I have let go of my desire to be thin and I enjoy food. No food is taboo. Food is not my secret safe space to escape to any more. God is my safe place or refuge.

God has freed me from eating disorders in ways I couldn’t have imagined. I had simply wanted to stop bingeing yet He has done so much more; He has completely removed my focus on food, calories and weight. 

I haven’t binged for nearly thirty years! I have had many ups and downs in those thirty years. I’ve been hugely hurt at different times by different people, but people are no longer what I measure my worth by! Even huge hurts haven’t triggered a relapse into eating disorders. And I praise and thank God for this.

Because of my own freedom, I know recovery is possible and I want others with any hurt or struggle to know there is hope for change. Today, I love to point people to the God who loves them and has the power to help them recover. I do this by serving at my church’s Celebrate Recovery ministry. Celebrate Recovery is a safe place for people to discover that Jesus Christ is their true refuge too. As they’re pointed to Jesus many are finding recovery from their hurts, wrong choices, anxieties, and addictive behaviours just as I did.

Thank you for letting me share.

My Maker is My Mirror

Check out this video to see what it looks like to make choices to stand on God’s truths…