Dogs Behind The Fence

When people hurt and rejected me, my response for years had been to binge. Praise God that when I found my identity and worth in Jesus, my view of self was transformed, and my strivings calmed. What people thought of me mattered less to me. One would think the ‘need’ to binge (on feelings of hurt or rejection) would have disappeared too. So why was I still bingeing?

A parallel situation at work helped me to understand why. 

I had to walk up six steps and across a playground to get to my classroom. Beside the steps was a flimsy fence behind which lived two Rottweilers. When school was bustling with children the dogs were no bother, but when I arrived early in the morning and all was quiet, they would hear me walk up the steps and charge against the fence, barking loudly. It was frightening! In order to avoid my panic, I developed a coping mechanism. For months, I tip-toed quietly up the steps, heart pounding and ran to my classroom. Eventually the owners of the house behind the fence sold up and moved. I knew that the dogs must have gone too yet my habit was so engrained, I still tip-toed up the steps with my heart pounding. I was in a habit of behaving that was no longer necessary.

I realised that bingeing was also a habit of behaving that was no longer necessary, because my ‘dogs behind the fence’ – fear of people’s rejection – were gone.

With the belief that I could have freedom from bingeing, I had to practise living in God’s love instead of in my old habit of fear. 

Firstly, I had to stop trying to make up for past mistakes (including binges) and start trusting that Jesus had dealt with them by taking them to the cross.

Secondly, I had to stop telling myself lies and start telling myself God’s truths… When feeling worthless, I told myself that God made me so I was precious. The Bible tells me “He cares for those who trust in him”. Nahum 1:7

When feeling stupid, I reminded myself that “the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom” Psalm 111:10

If I thought people didn’t like me, I reminded myself that Jesus’ love was always there and not conditional on me being perfect.

As I choose to live in God’s love and truth – not in fear of people and their opinions – I enjoy freedom from self-hatred, striving to please others, and from eating disorders. In Jesus, the ‘dogs behind the fence’ have gone.